For as long as I can remember, the expectation was that the bride changes her name when she gets married. I never really questioned this and until I was getting married myself, I never gave it much thought. At first, my hubby and I just assumed I would drop my maiden name and take his. However, as I thought about it, I started to feel more conflicted. Why should I have to drop a part of me that's been a part of me and my heritage my whole life until now? Why should I have to drop something has been so integral in identifying me as part of my father's family without being able to pass this legacy to my children? In Chinese tradition, the bride never loses her name, even though technically, she is no longer part of her father's family anymore. I also started to feel a bit offended that it's assumed that I should have to give up something so integral to my identity and the guy doesn't have to give up any part of his. Is it fair? Certainly not! However, it's tradition and still a very popular one.
I remember at one point, bringing up the idea of keeping my maiden name to my hubby. He totally balked at the idea, being the traditionalist that he is about these things, and I backed down. Now, the more I think about it, the more unhappy I am with this tradition. It's totally one-sided! My giving up my name is not just disavowing my relationship to my parents' family, it is also disavowing my Chinese heritage. The new name I'd be taking on is decidedly not a Chinese name. I don't have a Chinese first name, so in essence, people who see my name will automatically assume that out of all the ethnicities I could be, I couldn't possibly be Asian. Ha! I admit, I do relish the idea of making people look twice at me and then at my name, but the feeling of indignation is still there.
Now that it's finally sinking in that my name has changed, I'm not sure I like it. I sort of regret having made the decision and wish I had at least made the decision to delay doing it so I can really ponder what it meant without having my head filled with wedding drama and stress. Despite my rather meticulous nature, I must admit I didn't give this as much thought as I should have. Honestly, during the planning process, I really didn't think it was that big a deal.
Thinking about it some more, what may be really bothering me is the assumption that I would be the one to drop my name. The tradition was never questioned and I was never given a real chance to figure out my options. My hubby knew he wanted me to take his name and there was no question in his mind, as far as I could tell, that that is what should happen. I still regret not having pressed the issue more when I brought up the idea of keeping my name. He made his objections known and pushed for it with more conviction than I had at the time. In the end, my hubby got what he wanted and I'm the one left holding this bag, but it's my own fault for not having been stronger. And in case you were wondering, hyphenation is totally not an option with my maiden name. It would sound ridiculous!
However, the name change is a done deal because we signed the marriage license and my new name is now technically in effect. I suppose I can change it back if I really want to but as indignant as I am, I'm also lazy and don't relish the thought of going through a name change process. I'm really just pissed about feeling like this was a done deal before I had a chance to really flesh this change out in my head. I'm pissed about the unfairness of it and I feel rather hussled into it. In truth, I never really thought about my maiden name as precious or valuable or anything. I took it completely for granted. Now that I've lost it, I'm feeling really sad about it. I'm starting to realize just how much my father's name means to me.
No comments:
Post a Comment