The first year with my baby was grueling. There were many things I had to learn and expectations to let go of. There were times when I felt like I was tested way beyond my capacity, stretched far too thin, and yet I am still here. I have survived thus far.
Depression is no joke. It was very hard for me to deal with everything and all the changes at once. I needed help - and I don't mean just counseling. I mean I really needed solid help around the house and the baby, which I wasn't getting at first. Spending hours scouring the internet for advice also didn't help.
So the first thing I had to come to terms with was the state of the house. The place was going to get messy and disorganized. Things I had planned on reorganizing or fixing up were probably not going to get done and I need to learn to just leave it alone indefinitely, for when I finally do have the time and energy.
The next thing was that just because there is time to do something, doesn't mean I have the energy to do it, or that I should do it. Yes, there is laundry to fold and yes, there is food to cook. However, giving birth and taking care of a baby all day and night, every day, took a lot out of me. I had to learn to be okay with just grabbing clothing from the clean pile and folding them whenever I got around to it and my husband and I ended up ordering out way more often than I'd like to admit.
I also need to think of myself. This is something I still struggle with. Whenever my husband would force me out of the house to get a break, I would spend my time shopping for the baby or I would rush back to check on the baby. That is not a break. That is me unable to let go of the guilt I felt for wanting a life outside of my child. It's not healthy and I still find it hard to think of myself without feeling some bit of guilt. I need to learn that taking care of myself doesn't mean I'm not taking care of anybody else. I need to really learn to understand that taking care of myself means I can better care for others, and that making sure that I'm mentally and emotionally healthy doesn't mean that I'm taking something away from my family wellbeing. I can say all of this logically, but I don't feel it, so that is something I need to continue to work on.
Then there's the baby. She cried a lot. She cried so much that I felt like there was almost never a time when I wasn't hearing her cry. In fact, she would be fast asleep according to the baby monitor and I would be in the basement trying to not hear her noises and I would still be imagining that I can hear her screaming. It was horrible. I heard her even when I wasn't hearing her. I still do that at times, but it is getting better. My biggest issue with depression was that she cried so much, and it was one of my triggers. I can't stand hearing her scream or cry, which babies do a lot.
The thing is, she wasn't colic. She just had a lot of opinions and objections. She was easily over-stimulated, and she'd cry if she felt like she wasn't entertained enough or getting enough constant attention. She felt that she needed to be held and rocked ALL THE TIME! The clinginess was truly horrible. Our initial mistake was giving in to her all the time. In retrospect, we may have encouraged some bad habits that didn't encourage independent play, but I feel that we have since worked to correct that... at least a little bit. She can play by herself now as long as either I or my husband is close by.
She is fun to be with now. She is no longer some creature that only takes and never gives back. She is interactive now. She giggles and smiles and teases us back. She lays her head on us and blows us kisses. She toddles around babbling happily and loves trying to steal my smartphone. She is, so far, well-behaved in restaurants and loves getting attention from strangers. She is still annoying sometimes, but I feel much more connected to her now than when she was first born. I feel like after her first birthday, she has really blossomed into a person I can relate to.
I am still exhausted all the time, but not nearly as exhausted as when I had to wake up every hour or two to feed her. I feel like I desperately need a vacation where all I do is sleep all day and be left alone. "Alone time" is hard to come by, if at all. That is another thing I have had to learn to live without. However, I plan to get this one back eventually.
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