Scratching the patch

I have a skin condition called eczema. I’ve had it all my life and in some ways, it seems like my struggles to either soothe, alleviate or placate it is the one continuous, faint side-story of my life. On good days, I may actually be mostly eczema free or at the very least, my patches are not bothering me. On bad days, I’ll have swollen, weeping wounds all over that are STILL begging me to scratch! On those days, which usually lasts anywhere from a month to years, I have resorted to sitting on my hands, burning my patches with hot water and slathering on mentholated lotion – all to keep me from scratching. The torture of not scratching can, at times, feel excruciating as the itch keeps itching right under the horrible bleeding and throbbing pain. When I do give in and scratch, the sensation of scratching that taunting itch feels oh-so exquisite. Sometimes it feels like I’d scratch right to the bone if I weren’t careful.

Funny that it should feel sooooo good to scratch the patch when the only thing that really helps in the end, is to not scratch. It’s the only thing that keeps it from getting worse. I remember in fifth grade, my right wrist had been swollen and weeping fluid for years from all the scratching. I just couldn’t stop! One day, while being bored in class, I thought of a story my father had told me. He said that some of the greatest heroes in China’s were able to take lots of pain by divorcing their mind from their body. It’s the same idea that’s sometimes employed during meditation. I was taught that when you feel the urge to move due to pain, itch or discomfort, first just observe it, as a stranger observes a street scene out of curiosity. You want to see where it would go or how it will develop. If you really have to move because the pain is just that unbearable, then do so, but the point is not to indulge. So that’s what I tried on my eczema.

There were moments when I sat on my hands to keep from scratching, but mainly, I just focused on the itch and really tried to feel what it felt like to be itchy. At times, it feels like there’s movement where the itch is. I realized that the itch doesn’t feel like it’s on the skin at all, but inside and when the patch is swollen, it itches right through the throbs or in time with the throbs. It itches while I’m writing, practicing piano, reading or playing. All the while, I practiced being aware of it without indulging it. Eventually, I stopped scratching in my sleep and the patches were able to heal. I was not bothered by eczema for years. That isn’t to say it didn’t come back. It surely did, but I didn’t scratch, allowing it to pass through on its own time.

However, eczema barged its way back into the limelight several years back. I was undergoing major depression and health problems. I lost my way and started scratching madly again! Scratch, scratch, scratching that horrible, itching patch! The more I scratched, the more it itched and the more patches I had. I had patches everywhere, but nowhere more prominent than on my hands, which were swollen and red all the time. I couldn’t bend my wrist or fingers very well and yet, I had to work with my hands every day. I tried wearing cotton gloves but I would scratch right through them – even in my sleep! It was horrible!

Eventually, I pulled myself together and climbed out of depression, which in turn, improved my health. I got a new job, new friends, new life… and I stopped scratching so incessantly. I also learned a new technique in dealing with eczema. In addition to watching the itch without scratching, I can help it heal faster if I apply a good, soothing lotion on it and then cover it with some breathable fabric. Opaque tights under my pants work well for my legs, undershirts for my top and cotton gloves for my hands. The idea is to help keep the skin moisturized as well as keeping the sensitized skin from rubbing anything. When I finally got to see a doctor about it (I couldn’t afford to before), he said the lotion and covering combination was the best thing for soothing eczema.

Now that the weather has gotten colder and the heater has been turned on, the air is getting drier. I noticed my eczema has already returned on my fingers and hands. Even so, I’ve a good feeling that my eczema problem is going to fade back out of focus for a while.